Learning Not To Care

Allow me to introduce myself:

-My name is Breanna

-I am 21 years old

-I am getting my Bachelor's in May

-I am shy

-I live miles away from my family

-I care too much

-I isolate myself

I am really nervous and shy person. I don't want like negative attention drawn to me. When you first meet me I can seem stand-offish. This is because I am afraid of being judged and hated. I am afraid that I am going to say something to embarrass myself or start being annoying by talking too much to overcompensate for being nervous. 

This happens in more social occasions where I am meeting new people or just everyday meeting of new people. I typically wait for people to come to me first so I don't feel like I am overstepping any boundaries. When I feel like I am being judged or annoying I start to isolate myself and think down on myself. I start to question why I even try or who really even cares if I have anything to say. It feels like my chest is collapsing and my head is shrinking.

Once I start to feel comfortable around people or situations I begin to feel myself or more sane feeling and can just not care of how I appear. But, this only happens when, you know, you don't feel like everyone could care less if you were there or not. 

I am not loud. I don't like to voice out personal things about my life to strangers. Deep down I just want to feel included or like I matter. 

With strangers it is bad but easy to get over. With people you care about it is a whole other story. When you feel secluded or like they can care less it hits home. 

What I am realizing is that their are two types of relationships: 

1) Mutual feelings- you are there for each other.

2) One-way- you are only there for when they need you but not the other way around. 

I care too much about relationships that are only one way. Not to say I don't care about mutual feelings because obviously it goes both ways. One-way is difficult because they normally start as mutual or you think they are mutual.

I am the person who is shy and knows who she can trust. I care too much about what people think whether they are close or not. I am slowly learning that not everyone's opinion is important. I'm learning whom my relationships are mutual with and am going to focus on those. I am going to work on being bold and confident. I am going to work on making the most of me and allowing things to fall into place. 

So please, bare with me. I am working on being who I need to be. 

Personal Note: You fit in where you are you.